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| Accoring to Rasta: Al Sharpton. |
| 01.29.04 (12:21 pm) [edit] |
People always tell me to give everyone a chance, so I decided to take some ones opinion. I decided that maybe just maybe we should give Al Sharpton a chance. I mean we really don’t know much do we? Lets learn:
“ Hi I’m Chris Mathews and welcome to Hardball. Tonight where playing with Rev. Al Sharpton.”
(Liberal Crowd goes wild)
[b]Chris[/b]: “ Okay and welcome to the show, if you don’t know how to play hardball all we do is ask Democrat candidates questions and let them ignore it by making dry jokes at Bush”
[b]Sharpton[/b]: “ You know Chris we really need to fight the racism in this country.”
[b]Chris[/b]: “ I didn’t ask any question.”
[b]Sharpton[/b]: “ Are you trying to take my freedom away? You white folks won’t do that again!!”
[b]Chris[/b]: “ Riggght well as president what will you do for us.”
[b]Sharpton[/b]: “ Well I will put white people in--- I mean I will fight racism and fight the issues.”
[b]Chris[/b]: “Do you think anyone will ever vote for you?”
[b]Sharpton[/b]: “ Well so far all the states have been racist.”
[b]Chris[/b]: “ So if I don’t vote for you I am racist.”
[b]Sharpton[/b]: “ YES!”
[b]Chris[/b]: “ How does that make sense?”
[b]Sharpton[/b]: “ Chris Mathews is racist!!!!”
[b]Chris[/b]: “Pardon me.”
[b]Sharpton[/b]: “ You know all your camera guys are white, that’s racist. But then again that’s a crackers job..haha”
[b]Chris[/b]: “ Okay well thank you Al Shaprton”
[b]Sharpton[/b]: “ Thank you Chris (cough) cracker (cough)
[b]Chris[/b]: “coming up next Jesse Jackson who tells us what he knows about Sharpton.”
[b]Jesse Jackson[/b]:” You know Al’s efforts are indubitably, magnanimously, superfluously, pertinently, undeniable and most assuredly asynchronous.”
[b]Chris[/b]: “ We’ll be right back on Hardball”
Friday we will have a
KNOW THY ENEMY: POLISH BREAKDANCERS
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| According to Rasta: John Kerry |
| 01.28.04 (1:21 pm) [edit] |
“Congrats Mr. Kerry,” said some astonished liberal based college student. “ Yea, way to go.” said another. And so it seemed as if Kerry was in the spotlight, he was the man. Everyone knew that he had Bush cornered, everyone believed in Kerry. He was the man everyone wanted and why not? Unless there was something America didn’t know. During the Vietnam War John Kerry was a fearless fighter, but all that changed when a Vietnamese family saved his life. Kerry then devoted his life to killing American soldiers and eating rice patties. Anyway when Kerry left Vietnam he swore he would become famous and use the publicity to overthrow America. Many years later and Kerry still holds that secrete to his heart, that and the fact he is really bald. Late one night Kerry recalled the incidents of Vietnam and decided to get prepared for the takeover.
The next day Kerry had his administration start working on the Ninja Vietnamese robots. All the while I wondered if the staff even thought about what was going on, I guess because of the fact that Kerry said they where programmed to say, “ Vote Kerry.” Plus the staff had seen Dean’s anger against his administration and didn’t want to see Kerry do the same. By the end of the week the Ninja Robots where ready to take over.
The Following week there was a giant convention of all the Democrat candidates; Kerry’s plan was about to take place. As all the candidates where debating and the MSNBC cameras where rolling, Chris Mathew’s points something out: “ Hey guys look over there, Ninja Robots from Vietnam!! Do you think the robots will destroy everyone? Vote now on MSNBC.COM!” Everyone starts to worry; just then the robots start to say, “ Vote for Kerry.” The crowds starts to laugh, then they stop laughing when all of sudden the Ninja Robots went wild. People where screaming and running, still Al Shaprton continued to speak. He ended up calling the Robots racist then they shot him.
Chaos continued until a loud sound was to be heard. BOOM!! The walls collapsed as thousands of Mad cows from Ross Pero’s farm ran wild and crushed the evil Ninja Vietnam rice cake eating Duracell wearing robots. In one instant it was over. Then out of nowhere Kerry jumps in a jet with Clark as captive and fly’s away where they will torture him in Vietnam. So I guess that Howard Dean wins the election…. how convenient.
TO CONTINUE
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| Fun Facts about Australia |
| 01.26.04 (1:34 pm) [edit] |
I just know heard of this: Bush was in Roswell, N.M. giving a speech on terror threats. Incase you don’t know that town is known for the most famous UFO sightings. So I guess Bush's stories of WMD have become so out there that only people in Roswell will believe him.
Well I got to watch Howard Dean with his wife on Diana Sawyer. Dean looked really calm and mellow just sitting in that chair. I guess when you are a democrat and a doctor you can get more medical marijuana then anyone huh?
Since today is Australian day and all I decided to enlighten my readers with some knowledge. You should all know that BEH is more then just a comedy place, its an educational place also:
Fun Facts about Australia
In Australia it is necessary to dangle your child over an alligator while feeding it on national T.V.
Fosters is not Australian for beer, in fact Foster is an English word.
Australia doesn’t have an Outback Steakhouse, why? Because Australians aren’t stupid enough to pay 15 dollars for onion rings.
People are nice and friendly in Australia; I mean Russell Crowe is from Australia isn’t he?
Australians drive on the wrong side of the road. (They think its right but where Americans so we know better)
When in Australia someone may ask you to have some vegemite, say no thank you I am on the Atkins diet.
Australia is home to the weapons of mass destruction (well they gotta be hiding somewhere)
We know you are proud to be American, but leave that on the plane.
Thank you for your time and if ever in Australia I hope these tips work!
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| State Of the Union |
| 01.25.04 (12:17 pm) [edit] |
I got a copy of the SOTU I thought you may want to read it:
“ My fellow Congressmen. Government Officials and those who pay taxes.” stated the president as he started the State Of The Union. “We are gathering here today to talk about how I will make a great president again.”(Applause) “First off look at the monitor, its Sadam, we caught him!” (Applause) “ Some people say that the tax cuts are gay, well you’re gay. That brings us to are next subject Gay marriage, which I am against, only if it involves Anne Hashe.”(Applause) “ Oh My God, is Kennedy having a seizure? Oh No he’s just disagreeing with me.” (Applause). “There are some who believe my ideas are crazy well I will find these people and bring them to justice. I will cut welfare, why? Because people are Goddamn lazy, get a job you bastards! I will loose social security, why? Because we are going to kill old people.” (Applause). Foreign policy is fine people say I messed it up with my war but no I just taught other countries to stay the hell away from us. Anyway….O great Cheney had a heart attack(applause from the democrats)Finally the Democrats applaud OMG He’s dead. :: A voice from the crowd says, “ Dude you just got punked.” ::Cheney rises to his feet:: “ AH man its that Ashton Kutcher kid.” “ Well fellow Americans I must go now…peace out..[i]smoke appears and when it dissolves the president is gone.[/i]
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| Bush and Such |
| 01.24.04 (1:56 pm) [edit] |
Now my friend ask me, " rasta its great you cover the dems. but what about bush." I kinda forgot about him for a while I guess. Bush will have to return to BEH perhaps... :wink: If I was the president I would have done things diff. Keep in mind the SOTU was in HD so Bush could of done whatever he wanted. I mean I think I blew my speakers listing to clapping in surround sound. Fire works and bombs would of been cool to see. That would raise his polls up, they would say, " Bush is crazier then Dean, lets vote for him." Honestly if bush wants to win this thing he has to pull something big off. How about letting Sadam go and catching him again. Anyway this week I will be taking the time to sit down and personnally talk to the candidates and you can decide where this election will go.
Anyway did you here that the Mars Rover is lost. Darn I actually started to think Nasa did something right. It didnt really matter to me. Great I got to see rocks from Mars and it only cost a little more then the war in Iraq. Woooohoooo. Mars looks like a giant baseball field. Well its just sad we'll never find the weapons of mass destruction, I thought for sure they where on Mars. Sorry Bush!
Also.... I may be moving to typepad or something...beh.com baby....hahaha. Later all.
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| The incredible Dean |
| 01.22.04 (1:42 pm) [edit] |
And now rasta brings you:
[b]THE INCREDIBLE DEAN[/b]
Dean was going though some changes, of what he wasn’t sure. As a kid he had always been different but now it grew worse. His anger was not ceasing and it began to disrupt his election . It all started to come back to him during the Iowa Caucus when a reporter asked how it felt to loose. Deans eyes grew red and muscles tense, “ You won’t like me when I am angry.” Dean said. The reporter backed off and ran. Just then Dan was going into his conference with fans. “ And we will take Alabama, and North Carolina, and Texas...” Just then a paper ball was thrown at Dean and that was the end. Deans eyes grew red and he began to become muscular, but because of the fact he had no neck it looked like he was on steroids. he began taking chairs and throwing them and crushing the audience. The tranquilizer guns where brought out but they came to late, Dean had disappeared. Where would a man like Dean go when so angry?
There was a knock on Kerry’s door, quickly but not so quick that he would give off the idea that he was eager the greet a fan, Kerry opened the door. He stepped back when he saw a angered Dean raging against him. “It’s me and you know Dean, no Sharpton to hold me back.” Kerry was frightened as Dean went to grab his neck. “ Dean did you have another anger problem? Look we can solve this whole mess out.” But that didn’t work for Dean who’s temper had risen above Bush’s I.Q. Luckily Wesley Clark came out of the kitchen, and as he did he screamed, “ OMG a Vietnamese Bastard, I knew I smelt rice patties!! I’m grabbing my gun.” “No” yelled the outraged Kerry. “ No matter how bad Dean’s temper is, I still love him.” A bedazzled Wesley Clark said, “ I was a general, where doing it my way..” Deans eyes went back to normal, and so did he, then he said, “ Do you really love me Kerry?” “Yes, yes I do. Look Dean you don’t have to win the race for me to love you. You don’t have to show off by naming all the states in order.” And so some people say that Howard Deans anger grew smaller that day. And the house was filled with joy, in the background you could here the state of the union address from a TV in the living room along side Wesley Clark humming the National Anthem. It was truly a glorious day. God Bless the Democrat Candidates.
[LINE]
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| ......... |
| 01.21.04 (6:39 pm) [edit] |
Well until tommorrows post, how many people watched the state of the union? Did you enjoy. I enjoyed wtaching kennedy have a ceasure..lmao. Well. See you all tommorrow.
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| No post |
| 01.21.04 (12:17 pm) [edit] |
Sorry todays post is delayed until tommorrow because I am lazy. But if you go here you can here the howard Dean song
No its not Godsmack but o well [url=]http://www.howarddeansong.com...[/url]
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| The incredible Dean |
| 01.20.04 (1:09 pm) [edit] |
Well Dean didn't take my advice yesterday huh? It was glad Kerry won but afraid that Dean didn't He started turning into the hulk" your'e not gonna like me when I loose the Iowa Caucus" If it was one thing I learned about Dean its that he can name all 50 states really quick. Dean was clearly not on his meds last night. If only he put that much effort into his debate he may of won. Quick question for you all the answer: What best describes the noise howard Dean made last night...I want to here some good ones. By the way if you want to see dean yelling again here is the
http://www.foxnews.com/access/video.html" title="http://www.foxnews.com/access/video.html" target="_blank"http://www.foxnews.com/access...
And also watch the state of the union tonight or the feds will come and take your wife and kids. Bush will probaly come on say "our enemies will pay." "We should have a tax cut of epic proportions," he will say, "And most should go to the best Americans - the rich. Some may say this is unfair." He will then pause and say dramatically. "They will die!"
Well havegood day ...Later
By the way I am on trying to get on featured tblog, if you don't vote for me I will get angry and scream like Dean
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| Queer Eyes for The Democrats |
| 01.19.04 (10:23 am) [edit] |
Me being the kind and generous person that I am has decided the give the Democrats a little advice. But as I started working I realized this was going to be hard. So First things first, I called my friends the Queer Guys.
[b]Sharpton[/b]: What about me?
[b]Queer Guys[/b]: Well let’s just say that you're hair is a country and the main product is grease
[b]Sharpton[/b]: That was racist!
[b]Queer Guys[/b]: We know you say Marijuana is bad but your Barbra must be high on something
[b]Sharpton[/b]: I realized your all white, you guys are voting for Dean aren't you?
[b]Dean[/b]: That was a funny one Sharpton, HaHA. What can you guys do for me?
[b]Queer Guys[/b]: Well we realize you have no neck. How bout getting an ab machine. Then will be right behind you if you know what we mean..
Dean: Thanks so your Dean supporters?
[b]Queer Guys[/b]: Oh you know it, by the way the soviet union doesn’t exist anymore.
[b]Dean[/b]: come again?
[b]Kerry[/b]: Hey guys, I need help.
[b]Queer Guys[/b]: try looking like a haughty French man, o wait to late.
[b]Queer Guys[/b]: And tell your wife to stop trying to act “hip”
[b]Kerry[/b]: GET DOWN ITS THOSE VIETNAM RICE EATING BASTERDS!!!!!!
[b]Queer Guys[/b]: Jesus Christ, wait thats Wesley Clark with a mask on.
[b]Kucinich[/b]: Can you help me?
[b]Queer Guys[/b]: Arn't you Ross Pero?
[b]
Liberman[/b]: [i]sings[/i]:: who won't work after sundown or at all on saturday the liberman can::
[b]Liberman[/b]: Hey guys what can you do for me?
[b]Queer Guys[/b]: Stay with the Jew thing.
Well thats it, hopefully the democrats will come to BEH and take this advice. If not they have no choice. Back by popular demmand I will probaly sometimes this week bring back my interviews with the democrats if you want. Other wise I will bring something new.
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| Me No Laugh |
| 01.17.04 (11:09 am) [edit] |
My excuse for not being funny today is that well ..I will let you pick
a. I am a secrete Liberal
b. I am upset that John Kerry is in the lead instead of Dean
c. I am in a femminst group
or d. because I am really gay but won't admit it.
you decide...Ill be back monday with more humour for your day off. Much love
rasta
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| Muslims and Ari... |
| 01.16.04 (1:42 pm) [edit] |
Alright Befor I post The "Ari Interview" I wanted to say a quick word about the Muslim Mother who blew herself up. I wish evryone would go home and tell their mother how much they love them. I am so glad my mother never blew up.
Well anyway I wrote this based on a interview me and ari did [url=]http://ari.tblog.com/[/url] that is her link by the way. Now I heard Ari was goin to Paris or something. Who does she think she is....Hillary Duff?
Well her it is Ari:
Ok well my hook ups aren't as good as they use to be so I probably wont be interviewing anyone famous people anymore but I am still interviewing. This week I interview a young girl, one of our own on tblog. Now I know you are saying I am just doing this because I think Arielle is hott. No! it’s because I ran out of stories, I’m just kedding Ari, you know I love you. Anyway here is the interview.
Me: walk me though a normal day in your household
Ari: “My Household. Your referring of course to my cardboard box?”
Me: Yea...that would be the one
Ari: “Hmm, I wake up, roll out of bed put on clothes brush my teeth and go to school.”
Me: “I” don't you mean every teenager in America?
Ari: “This is all done while fighting my mother. Then I get in the car drive 2 minutes to the school and then I get to sleep for 7 hours.”
Me: Speaking of sleeping that’s not a bad idea, this interview is going nowhere.
Ari: “And I talk talk talk talk talk all day.”
Me: Ya I know
Ari: “I’m fighting with my mom constantly. Then I finish homework.. and type with mike till around 4 AM and then go to sleep 'round 4”
Me: zzzZZZzzzZZZzZZZzzzzZ
Me: I heard you where pregnant?
Ari: No
Me: Just go with it so my blog gets good reviews.
Ari: What?
Me: So who do you want to win for President 2004
Ari: I don't care actually, its not like I get to vote anyway.
Me: have u ever been involved in a scandal with Bill Clinton
Ari: yesh!! he raped me!!! I told ya, he likes 'em young. But the Secret service
locked me up and threaten to kill me if I said anything
Me: who are you really?
Ari: I am morfeus
Me: if you could be a fruit what would u be?
Ari: A Banana.. i like the way there long...hard...
Me: stop your turning me on, It’s hard enough to do this interview with you.
Me: Oops I’ll be right back
Ari: What’s that music?
Me: You don’t like it, it’s called midnight passion.
Ari: can we just finish this interview, you're weird.
Me: Yea ok, You have enough boy troubles anyway.
Ari: What was that?
Me: Next question- Who has the best political blog?
Ari: well I guess Winston......
Me: No, its Behind Enemy Headlines!!!
Me: Well it was a nice interview, we’ll have to do it again.
Ari: Not if I get a restraining order first.
Notice: None was hurt in the making of this interview. Interview was real. Vote for Ari as a featured tblog
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| Spear Brittney |
| 01.15.04 (3:06 pm) [edit] |
There been a lot of talk about Brittney getting married, even after its been like what 2 weeks. Frankly I am upset, I bought them a gift now I have to bring it back. I hope you can bring back gifts you purchased 55 hours ago. Personnaly I was schocked I thought Brittney was lesbian, does Madonna know about this wedding? As rumour has it the two where in Vegas and decided to do something "crazy". Thats crazy? Crazy is goin to see my Uncle Chuck in Vegas and going rattle snake hunting. :) yea Brittney is real crazy now, move over national Lampoons. Now people are saying Brittney's marriage made stait people look bad, no she just makes blonde sluts look bad. Not saying blondes are sluts, which is another stereotype she brings with her. All in all she wanted to bring herself in the headlines, she refuses to die. Lets let her. I am tired of the little slut who made a record teaching our children: how to be sexy and how to have an unsucessful marriage.
In other news In boyton Beach A lady is told to take down here American Flag hanging in her window. It must be taken down or hidden so people can't see it. That right there is enough bullshit. But the The property manager also said, " If we let them hang their flag, then someone could say, " Hey people at 6107 have a flag. I worship the devil so I should be able to fly my devil Flag."
How the hell does that work? Comparing the American flag to the Devil worshipping flag does not work out in my mind. So discuss this: Is this right, should the lady have to take down her American flag which is showing tribut to the troops?
Also my cafe press shop should be up soon with all types of great gifts and what not to buy and support whatever side you are on politicaly..I need ideas for clothes and what not...
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| ]News That Angers Me |
| 01.13.04 (2:20 pm) [edit] |
Well not much to talk about today, I could post the Ari interview but I like making her wait. Ha.
Anyway in the news I am sure you heard that O Sqeel I mean O Neo I mean O' Neill has betrayed the president, and for what? A book.O’Neill denies spilling secrets
Ex-Treasury secretary says documents came from department counsel. He has welcomed a probe. I say we shove the probe up his ass. I wondered why didn't the democrats say anything about this incident since they love attacking you conservatives. It's because they where to buisy picking on Dean. I heard the Iowa debate went so bad that ranchers said the democrats brainwaisting illnesses make mad cow look like nothing.
Welp I never touch on sports but maybe I will today. As we know Donovan Mcnabb led the Philadelphia Eagles to victory over the Green Bay packers. I felt sorry for Brett Farve but I felt worse for Rush who wtached the whole game with no pain pills. Speaking of Rush I heard lately that the ACLU has picked up his mess and decided to support him. People debate now, " is rush turning Liberal?'
No Rush has been making you pay for his medicare for years now!
God bless.. tommorows topic is about ...well you will see
Bring your debate shoes though.
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| The Ari Chronicles |
| 01.12.04 (1:56 pm) [edit] |
As promised the "Ari" chronicles will be released this week. Cannot say when but it won't get screwed over like the Regan series was.
Happy now Ari??? lol
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| DEMOCRAT DEBATE!!! |
| 01.12.04 (1:17 pm) [edit] |
Alright we had some controversy yesterday and the post yesterday was givin proper credit...unfortunately my linking didn't work yesterday so you get the point. The man was author Frank J. Sorry Frank for the troubles.
Moving on from all this negative talk:
DEMOCRAT DEBATE!!!
Last nights democrat debate was nothing short of cheep shots at Bush and smart-ass remarks. Democrats didn’t like the fact that Bush went to Mars and all Clinton did was go to Venus. Democrats talked a lot about racial issues that is all Shaprton ever talks about. Dean said, “ Republicans divide us by race.” No they divide you by the color of your race (idiot). The funniest moment was when Al Shaprton attacked Dean. Al said that Dean was not diverse enough because he didn’t have any blacks in his administration. I was waiting for Dean to pull out some gold and start listing to rap music. After we got away from racism we went to immigration, and should we give illegal; immigrants drivers licenses in order to drive? WTF? John Edwards says he welcomes all illegal immigrants. John why not stands by the Mexican border and shakes their hand! All in all it hit me! BAM! These democrats are going to destroy America with their celebration of perversity, and how they welcome and embrace ultra – tolerance. How they support Affirmative racism. And how they are providing government subsides for every illegal that sneaks in this country across the border, and they do it though the courts because they can’t win at the ballot box. Am I a conservative for saying this? Far from it because if I was a conservative I may not be saying this at all! I am an Idealist; I want what’s best for this country. Not what will help me, but what helps us all. Before you votes..know your facts.
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| Make Trade Fair |
| 01.01.04 (8:40 am) [edit] |
I know I said I wouldn't post today but I had:
Oxfam's getting as many people as possible to sign a petition -
the big noise - to stop people getting ripped off in poor
countries due to unfair trade rules. Bono and Kofi Annan
are already supporters, along with thousands of other people
world-wide. They still need your support and that of your
friends, family and colleagues your to send a strong
message to our leaders that unfair trade is inexcusable.
[url=]http://www.maketradefair.com/...[/url]
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Jayme Selman(thats me)
What Sam Adams said about Rasta:
"You win the Award for the Best Wit on Tblog ..."
Jayme is an accomplished asshole as well as the writer of behind enemy headlines and producer of "Affirmative Anger"
AND THE CRITICS SAY:
"This is seriously @#$%*& UP, have you considered therapy? "
-LILPOETGIRL
"Your stories are a trip! Who knew politics could be so entertaining?"
-OoLostEntity
Rasta ... what can i say, you're simply talented beyond words!
Keep up the great work !
- progressive
Rasta you have a very creative mind which is cool i hate all cut and paste post's.......your are far from that
I'm never let down by the humor of your blog... thats a compliment lol.
Trama! I was laughing at this! In the sick way that I laugh at SouthPark because it is sooo WRONG but SOOOO funny!! Kara
Perfect. Cant imagine anything better or funnier. I swear I sit hear with my laptop computer just reading along and suddenly laughing out loud, getting strange looks from my family and pets! Much needed stress reliever. I can picture Shrub, Condie and Rummie really saying this stuff. It is so weird, and so are they!!! Next stop.... send it to The Onion! http://www.theonion.com/
People I like:
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